I Used To Be Funnier

First, let me state that I can never remember which words aren't supposed to be capitalized in a title. So I capitalize them all, just to be safe.

Second, I read back through my old posts on here and have discovered a shocking progression. I am less funny than I used to be. This needs to change. Starting now.

An idea I've had for a long time but never actually acted upon is something I call "Sarcastic Stickies". The recipe calls for sticky notes, a pen, a sharp wit, and a good sense of humor. Sometimes I see things that are just SO stupid that I think some sarcastic remark. At one point, it occurred to me that I ought to share this sarcasm with other people. But I never have. Example: You're at Applebee's (really, Spell Check? That's not in the dictionary yet?) in the bathroom. You see used paper towel on the counter - right next to the hole you're supposed to use (the magical one with a trash can under it). While you would usually just push it in with your paper towel, I occasionally have the desire to leave a message, "Because the extra 3 inches was just too far for my weak arms."

In other news, my friend just got me The Book of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks (from this blog) and I read it today and it's "hilarious".

If you have never read the Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket, you are really missing out. Here are two quotes from his books:

"Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, which the exception of "systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said."

"If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well, this isn't too bad. I don't have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of "Aaaah! My arm! My arm!""

He has a way of stringing words together that is very unexpected, but very witty and hilarious.

Well, shorter blogs can be funnier than longer blogs, just like shorter people can be taller than funnier people. Wait. What?

Love and Colored Pens,

Leah JOY

P.S. Oh yeah. Merry Christmas!!

So Apparently I'm a College Graduate

This is going to take some getting used to. (I think that preposition is okay because it's part of the verb.) I know I'm done with school, but I still feel like I'll be back there on Monday writing papers. Or next semester.

Nope. I'm done. That's a big concept and I can't quite wrap my head around it.

So what have I been doing with my time? Well, babysitting, sneezing, trying to pick out songs for my coffee house gig tomorrow night, blowing my nose, tidying my room, coughing, being miserable. Okay, it's not all that bad. But I've normally got the immune system of ... well, someone with a really good immune system. I get really sick once every 2 years or so. Well guess what. The last time I got sick was 2 years ago. Guess I was due or something. It started Saturday night with a little sore throat, which was a big sore throat by Monday. Starting Wednesday, the pain moved to congestion and today I've used about 549843189 tissues. (Yes, I did just bang my fingers on the keyboard.) I'm getting better, though. I should be able to do my show tomorrow night.

Anyway, being sick isn't really that interesting.

I just wrote a song tonight. It's about blue eyes. Okay, so you know that guy about whom I wrote like 14 songs? I think this is the last one for him, because it's a transition song to another guy with blue eyes. Here's a sampling of the lyrics:

Eyes like ice

Eyes like steel

Everything he couldn't feel

I wonder that I let him stay so long

Blue eyes are cold

Blue eyes can't feel

Blue eyes

Blue eyes aren't real

I swore I'd never love blue eyes again

Eyes like ocean

Eyes like sky

Eyes that take me by surprise

I wonder if you'll let me come along

So it's still a work in progress, but it's really beautiful (if I do say so myself) and I'm pretty excited about it.

In other news, I spent about 12 hours today sitting in this chair, picking out songs or getting distracted from picking out songs, so I think I'll move my sorry butt over to bed now and get some extra sleep (yay health!).

Love and sneezing,

LeahJoy

My Life as a Disney Show

I'll admit it: Disney Channel is my weakness. On a bad day, I enjoy descending to my basement with a blanket and a cup of apple juice and watching Hannah Montana or Jonas L.A. The thing about Disney Channel is that after you've watched it for just a little while, you start thinking more dramatically - the way the shows are. So lately, because I spent a few days catching up on Hannah Montana (I was a season behind!), and because I'm extremely bored in Philosophy, I've started thinking about what my life would look like as a Disney show.

First of all, my character would have two voices: the out-loud (polite) voice, and the thinking (dripping with sarcasm) voice.

Example:

Girl: So wait, you really lived in a nunnery?

Thinking Voice: No, you idiot. I was making up a story as a literary device to convey a point.

Out-Loud Voice: No... I was joking. Heh heh.

Example:

Weird Customer at Thrift Store: Hey girl - I'd like to donate my change to you.

Thinking Voice: You disgusting slob, I'd like to shove your change down your throat, but you probably haven't brushed your teeth in days, so instead please just understand that I'm a cashier, not a harlot.

Out-Loud Voice: I'm good. Bye.

Secondly, there would be several freeze-frame moments for character thoughts. The rest of the screen goes blurry; only the character in question is in focus. The character, however, is still frozen. A big thought bubble appears in which there is movement, whether it is the same character thinking out loud, or a memory of another character saying something.

Example:

Up-start Freshman girl: No, I really, like, think it's totally more like this, you know?

*freeze frame*

In the thought bubble of my character, a smaller me appears.

Smaller Me: Are you really going to let her treat you like that? *gesturing wildly* She's a freshman! And half of her words are unnecessary!

In the thought bubble, a smaller Freshman Girl joins Smaller Me. Smaller Me promptly punches Freshman Girl in the face.

Thought bubble disappears, un-freeze original frame. My character is smiling happily.

Of course, each episode would have to include some shenanigan, and for it to really qualify as a Disney show, I'd have to learn some life lesson every episode.

So that's the end of my Disney spiel.

And speaking of shenanigans, here's a story exemplifying how Leah has broken out of the teacher's-pet, straight-A-student shell.

So we're in Philosophy, and all the commuters have just gotten an email about how there's free Jet's Pizza for commuters today. The minute our prof. says, "Ok, 2 minute break," Zach, Eric, and I (all commuters) flee the room. It took us more like 6 minutes to get the pizza, but boy was it worth it. I realize that maybe this is something you all do or would do anyway, but even a year ago I would have never done this. My "Thought Voice" would have said, "Oh, pizza sounds good, but what will the teacher think? And your reputation!" Today, my Thought Voice says, "This professor has shown disrespect for your time. And while repaying an eye for an eye is not necessary, free lunch is a good thing. Take risks. Create shenanigans, because you're in college for only a few more weeks. Enjoy it."

I feel like when I came to college I had to reverse the growing up process a little bit - just learning to enjoy life. Now that I'm nearly done, I realize that being 'mature beyond my years' (as my mom always says) isn't always fun. Okay okay, life isn't all about fun - but sometimes you need fun.

Okay, class is almost over.

Love and Shenanigans,

Leah Joy