The Monday Rant: Bed, Bath, & Beyond

Our apartment is very dry. Caleb and I were thinking we'd like a humidifier because it could cut down on sore throats and late-night nose bleeds. I figured since we had a ton of money to Bed, Bath, & Beyond (thank you, wedding gifts!) we should see if they had a good one. I shopped around on their site and compared their products to ratings on Amazon and finally decided on the Crane Cool Mist Drop Shape Humidifer. I checked availability in stores and they said it wasn't available yet (this was a month or two ago). I called in to see when it would be, and they said they were just getting the humidifiers in because they're a seasonal item. I should check back in a week or so. Okay, I'm a reasonable woman; I can wait. For weeks, I continued to check their website, but for some reason, this top-rated, reasonably-priced humidifier (available in 5 attractive colors) is not available in stores.

On Saturday, Chloe and I were heading to Bed, Bath, & Beyond anyway, so we checked then. Nope, it's not just a website fluke; they really don't carry this supposedly wonderful product. I told Caleb that they don't have it in the store, so he told me to order online. Sure, we'll have to pay the $8 shipping, but at least we'll have a nice return policy from BB&B. So, last Tuesday morning, I added the humidifier to my online cart, found my gift cards, and got ready to purchase this thing.

I had to enter my name and address of course, choose my shipping method (if I want it in the next 2 days it will cost an extra $30, though), and then I finally got to the Gift Card page. It says, "Need to apply more than 2 Gift Cards? Call 1-800- GO BEYOND for assistance. " Now, of course I have to apply more than 2 gift cards. It's a $58 purchase, plus tax. My biggest gift card is $25. I was thinking of applying 3. But okay, if this is some security thing, I can call. No big deal.

Dialing… Dialing….

"Thank you for calling 1-800-GO BEYOND. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance and training purposes. To locate a store, press 1. To speak to a bridal consultant, press 2. To enquire about a gift card, press 3. For sales and customer service, press 4. If you are a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store, press 7. All others, please stay on the line."

Okay, I think, is this a gift card question? Press 3.

"Please enter your gift card number."

24 digits later: "Your balance is $25. To hear your balance again, press 1. To return to the main menu, press 2."

Oh good gravy, Seriously?

Press 2.

"To locate a store, press 1. To speak to a bridal consultant, press 2. To enquire about a gift card, press 3. For sales and customer service, press 4. If you -"

Press 4.

"For online purchases, press 1. For customer service, press 2. All others, press 5, or stay on the line."

Which one? Oh, what the heck. PRESS 5.

Ringing.

"Hi this is Lydia. Thank you for calling 1-800-GO BEYOND. How can I help you?"

"Yes, I'm trying to purchase something online, and it said that if I have more than 2 gift cards, I should call this number."

"*chuckles evilly* Oh yes, just to tell you that you can't use more than 2 gift cards online. The store can scan unlimited cards. Is there a store near you?"

"Well… sort of…. I just figured since the product isn't actually in the store, it'd be easier to just have it shipped here, instead of me driving all the way out there and then still paying shipping."

"Great! So you can just go there and they'll take care of you!"

Wow, you're not listening OR helpful.

"Ok… thanks…"

Click.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You made me go through a whole freaking phone menu and speak to a very unhelpful lady just to tell me that I can't use more than 2 gift cards online? Why can't you just put that on the website? "Need to use more than 2 gift cards? Sorry, we don't have that capability yet, but we're working on it! Meantime, please visit your semi-local Bed, Bath, and Beyond and we'll charge you exorbitant shipping prices even though you had to drive all the way out here just to order something we don't bother to carry."

I just want my husband to stop having bloody noses at night. Is that too much to ask? I want my time back.

Dear Bed, Bath, and Beyond,

I was willing to put up with your horrible registry process (seriously? The lady followed us around the entire time pushing fine china and cloth napkins on us like they were cocaine). I even put up with your stupid in-store credit that comes in receipt form. Even Target puts it on a card - even when you tell them you're just going to pick something out right now - even when it's only $7. I put up with your online registry checker that can't count (86 gifts desired, 72 gifts purchased, 0 gifts remaining. Wow, great math!). But this? This is ridiculous! You wasted my time with your stupid phone menu. You're going to waste my gas because I have to drive 20 miles out of my way to anywhere just to go to your store. You're going to waste $8 of my money on shipping.

Why must you carry such great products and then be stupid and annoying? Stop doing one of those please.

Sincerely,

Leah

So you know what I did? The next time I had a trip to 28th St, I ordered the stupid thing and asked to have it shipped here. And they didn't, but if they had asked if I had had any problems, I'd have just keep my mouth shut because I hate confrontation and it's not the cashier's fault anyway and she's probably had a bad enough day already working in such an annoying store.

Love and Humidifiers,

Leah Joy